Distorted Fairy Tales

Whenever a celebrity does something stupid, it's a big deal. I've never been able to figure out why (I mean, really, it's not exactly a shock), but the press jumps all over it -- and rightly so, as that's all anyone can talk about. Ok, I'll quit trying to be general about it: I'm talking about the Michael Jackson case. I won't quibble about whether or not he was guilty; the jury knows more than I and they declared him innocent. Besides, my opinion doesn't matter, anyway.

What bothers me more than anything is that this man, an international superstar, could face a camera and calmly admit to sleeping with young boys (in, of course, a nonsexual way) as if that was not out of the ordinary. And everyone accepts this. Michael Jackson has never been a "normal" guy; he's always been a bit eccentric. He must just be pulling another strange publicity stunt or something. WHAT?!

Okay, let me get this straight: a strangely-deformed white-skinned black man who lacks a nose claims that sleeping with children is healthy. Right. I wish I had a kid or two to send to a sleep-away at Neverland Ranch. Who knows, Peter Pan himself might show up (for those unaware, Michael once claimed to be Peter) with his "Jesus Juice". Must be a fairy dust of some sort. You know, "Think happy thoughts!" Seriously, though, maybe he could teach my hypothetical kids some cool dance moves. Every young boy needs to know the "crotch grab" if he ever wants to get a girl. And a friend who never grows up could be a good mediator between a child who wants everything and a parent who has to provide for the said child. We've all seen how well he's done with his own kids. . .

I hear a rumor from a very reliable source (CNN) that the "King of Pop" may be planning to move to Europe or Africa -- places where his talent is more "appreciated". Great plan, I say. I really don't care where he goes, just as long as he follows his own timeless advice: "Beat It". Please do.