Pondering

My playwriting professor gave us an interesting assignment today: make a list of ten events that took place in our pasts that shape our lives today. We were given a while to formulate our lists, then asked to share whatever we felt comfortable sharing with the group. When I began brainstorming, I was trying to go in chronological order (i.e., my great-grandma died when I was 2; it was my first experience with death). After a few minutes, however, events started jumping out at me. I realized that much of who I am now is a result of things that happened to me ten years ago!

For instance, my perfectionistic tendencies stretch all the way back to when I skipped first grade, then was irate when I couldn't get perfect 100s on third-grade level work. I knew that the rampant hypocrisy and eventual split of my parents' church made me more cynical about religious people, and religion in general.

I also realized how much my ex-fiance affected my life while we were together--and even now, when we're not. I've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships lately, mainly because 'G' and I have been discussing them. I think I am ready to start a new relationship under the condition that there is an understanding that it is 'for now'. No talk of marriage, of children, of a future beyond this year. I really miss having someone special, someone to be there and understand. I actually finally pulled out of my writing dry spell and managed to get my feelings down on paper the other day:

Gilded Cage

Please touch me.
I feel so alone,
deserted.
Trapped in a cage
of my own making—
one I wanted, created,
dreamed of.
I built it of my own will,
trying to be
my own fantasy
of how life should go:
Pretty. Smart. Successful.
Alone.
But as I watch
the gate swing shut,
I realize—
I want out.
I want peace
with myself.
I want to be satisfied
with who I am.
I want to be held
in your arms
all night long;
hearing your breath,
feeling your heart,
knowing you are there
to keep me from
myself.