My Tears Dry On Their Own

Well, it's definitely been a while . . . I just realized I haven't posted since last September. To quickly catch everyone up:

1. I'm still at the same school in the middle of nowhere, studying English, Theatre, and Psychology. I'm thinking of dropping Psych, though, and going into Communications since I already work in radio. What employer can argue with a degree AND nearly 10 years of experience? (okay, closer to 7 or 8, but still . . . close enough to ten . . .)

2. My amazing roommate, Aimee Dear, spent this semester studying abroad so a good friend who likes the bottle and boys a little too much moved in with me. We have a lot of fun but, to be honest, she's not been the best at helping me make smart decisions . . . it's been a good time, though. I'm living with her this summer and we'll be suitemates next year. Aimee Dear will live with us, and another girl that is into Theatre almost as much as I am.

3. I got my heart torn out and smashed into little pieces in February. A guy I met and partied with at the beginning of the year screwed me over royally. After I drunkenly confessed my feelings for him, he informed me that he wasn't ready for a relationship but if he was to date everyone, I was "definately at the top of the list". In my typical fashion, I let myself continue caring, fully aware that I was setting myself up to be hurt. He would mention from time to time that things between us were going "really well" and bring up a lot of "ifs," such as "if things keep going this well, you could move in with us [his housemates] when we get our new house; we'll need a woman around."

I let myself fall and hit bottom when I found out he had sex with another girl (yes, I withheld; I'm not dumb enough to think sex will lure any guy into falling in love). He didn't tell me; one of his close friends did. The same friend also told me the fuckwit (I stole Bridget Jones's word) said I was the perfect woman and he would marry me -- if only I was pretty. This is kind of ironic, actually, because I had turned down 2 of his 3 housemates and spent every weekend being harassed by every other man in the house. (Yes, it hurt my feelings but the way I see it, every man has a different type, just like women. My friends find people attractive that I think are repulsive; that's how life works.)

I was going to confront him about all of this the following weekend but was spared this by the introduction of him to a seventeen-year-old skank (she's the bicycle of a local town). They proceeded to have sex in his room while I slept on a couch five feet from the door. Within a week, she had basically moved in. So much for not wanting a relationship! Anyway, despite my heart being wrenched out, I was over the heartbreak quickly.

My foolproof remedy of a night of Ben and Jerry's (eating the entire pint is required) and bitching to my friends, followed by another night of excessive amounts of vodka and picking apart his faults. Eventually, I make out with someone else and am officially over whoever screwed me over. In this case, it worked pretty well. I still despise him (and his slut of a girlfriend) but just because he is a horrible human being. He lies to everyone and deserves no respect. (Okay, maybe I'm a bit bitter . . . the point is, I don't care about him anymore and would be okay with never speaking to him again.)

4. I met a really great guy over spring break. I'd actually met him in August; his younger brother is in my class and we were playing 'Risk'. A few weeks before break, my roommates and I were going to have an evening of 'Monty Python' movies, so I invited a bunch of people via campus e-mail. While looking up my friend, I saw his brother's name and figured, the more, the merrier. To make a long story short, everyone was busy and my roommates bailed to go to the bar. I got a call on my cell phone from a random number (I'd included my number in the e-mail) and it was the brother, M.

He asked if we were still watching movies. I was annoyed and a bit tipsy, so I told him I was, but the others had bailed; he was still welcome, though. He came in and asked me if I minded that he brought beer. I laughed and pointed to the vodka I was drinking. We started "The Holy Grail" but ended up talking through the whole thing. I was drunker than I thought because I remember nothing we said, only that he was really funny.

On the first day of spring break, my roommate (S., the one who drinks) and I made chili and invited people for movies and games. I invited M. and his brother, among others. We ended up with nearly 20 people in our room, drunkenly playing games and watching movies. After everyone left, M. and I began watching "Thank You For Smoking," one of my favorite new movies. Eventually, he kissed me and we made out. He left the next afternoon.

After that, we began spending most weekends together, just talking and hanging out with my roommates (and, of course, kissing). I was pretty happy with how things were. My roommate, S., kept saying M. and I would be dating withing a few weeks, but I just wanted a friend with benefits. I'd just been hurt and didn't want to do that again, so I was trying not to like M.

This plan was scrambled when M. texted me to see if I wanted to go out to lunch. I was nervous as hell, but it went really well.

He came over the next weekend and told me he wanted to "talk about us." I hid my panic and told him to continue. He proceeded to spend the next fifteen minutes telling me how much he liked me and liked to be with me and talk to me and hang out with me and kiss me and on and on . . . but he didn't want to hurt me when he graduates and leaves at the end of the summer. He was becoming quite agitated by the whole issue of timing (why did we have to meet now, when he's leaving), so I finally just kissed him to make him stop confusing us both. Obviously, that conversation ended there.

Since then, he's been over a few more times and we've had fun but haven't discussed anything in the future. I know he's had one too many long-distance relationships and doesn't want to do that and completely understand. What annoys me, is his insistence that a relationship would hurt me. This in-between thing hurts, too; I'm so sick of guys that want pseudo-relationships! He invites me to important things, like his senior seminar, that I have no real reason to attend (he's a Biology major; the new developments in synthetic cartilege hold no interest for me), then makes sure I know how much he appreciates my attendence. He is the one who brought up the whole "where is this going" discussion. It's like he just can't make up his mind. And as much as I adore him -- he really is a nice guy -- I can't just sit around waiting for him. I am twenty years old and want to have fun, not be tied down to someone who refuses to be tied to me!

5. I am currently at work at a local classic country radio station, playing music I don't particularly like. I work until 11 p.m., then have a final at 8 a.m. I'm screwed. And tired and cranky and . . . this was kind of therapeutic. I'm going to have to do this more often.

6. I am also currently obsessed with Amy Winehouse, this blues/jazz/alternative singer who is huge in Europe and just breaking in the U.S. My favorite songs are "Stronger Than Me" and "Me and Mr. Jones," which begins with the line I'll use to sum up my feelings for M.: "What kind of fuckery is this?"