Oh, Baby!

Well, I'm here! Here in this case meaning a suburb of Minneapolis, MN. My twin infant cousins were baptized yesterday. They are so adorable!! I love them! Their names are Connor Jack and Michaela Rae and they love to smile and "talk" and cry. Mostly, though, they sleep (of course). There is nothing sweeter than holding a baby as it falls asleep.

The craziest part of this whole weekend was seeing all of these relatives that I never see. Like my Mom's little brother (ok, so he's in his forties. . . ) and his family, with whom I spent the last couple of nights. Or the cousins who came to the baptism. They have a daughter who is only one year younger than me -- whom I have only met once. I had my first ever actual conversation with my aunt last night! It's weird to think that I am related to all of these people I am just getting to know. And had it not been for Michaela and Connor, I would probably never have gotten to know them, anyway!

I have no complaints about the babies or being able to talk with my relatives. It's just a big difference from what I'm used to. But I'm too excited about being away from home to think of anything but how happy I am here. We're off to shop (insert Napoleon Dynamite "yesssssss"), so I'll get back to this later. . .

Moving On

Well, it's been quite a while since I last wrote. I graduated from high school last Sunday. It's funny, I always thought I would cry at least a little at Graduation (see "Nostalgia"), but I didn't. I tried as hard as I could to work up even one solitary tear, but no luck. While the rest of my classmates (the females, anyway) were choking back the sobs, I had a gargantuan smile plastered across my face as I tried to listen to the speakers. It's crazy how people change, yet they stay the same. Four years ago, I walked into a classroom full of complete strangers. I walked out of that gym with a group of friends -- or, at the very least, close acquaintances. Yet even though we spent four years together, I don't really know most of them that well.

College will be much the same, just on a larger scale. Instead of 20 people to get to know, I'll have hundreds to worry about. I can't wait, though; there are so many things to do and people to meet that I wish I could start tomorrow. . . or at least next week!

Graduation

I always said it would never happen to me. Someone else, yes. But certainly not me. I'm just not that kind of girl. You know what I mean -- the girl who tears up at the thought of leaving behind everything she knows to strike out on her own. Oh! Did you think I was going somewhere else with that? Sorry!

Seriously, though, I never thought I would be this nostalgic at the thought of leaving high school. I was never the pretty or popular one; the guys didn't drool over me and the girls didn't fight to sit with me at lunch. I was okay with this; I didn't drool over the guys, either and preferred to sit with my friends at lunch. My goal was never to be Homecoming Queen or head cheerleader (anyone who knows me, knows I'm just not the type to go for that type of thing). I don't have the time, energy or patience to play the games other girls do. I refuse to spend $70 on a pair of jeans; I don't like bright pinks and yellows; I don't follow trends.

My relationships with most of my classmates are incredibly superficial: names, siblings, classes. My close friends are underclassmen or graduated already. The people I have bonded with in my class will definitely keep in touch; graduation will not be the last time I see them. So why am I dreading the thought of leaving them?

Even the people I was never close to are making me wonder, what will life be like without you? The class clown who never fails to cheer me up. The "spazoid" girl who always says the wrong thing but never loses the nerve to try again. The Valedictorian who will someday be an insane salesman or a brain surgeon; I'm never quite sure which way his brain will go. Teachers who I fought with on a daily basis will never be seen again. My favorite teachers, the ones who took the time to listen to my thoughts and treated me as an equal, will move on to the next class and although they will not forget me, they will not completely remember me.

My classmates will recall certain things about me; one girl said she will always remember me as "the unique one"; unlike any other girl in our class. Others will remember the "smart one" But what else will they remember me by? My sarcasm? Telling them to lay off the 'unpopular' kids? (Who decides who is 'popular', anyway?) How will I remember them?

I know graduation is a new beginning and, trust me, I am quite willing to leave this place behind me. Living in a small community suffocates people. I am ready to breathe. I just wish I could take my class with me. . . most of them, anyway.

Common Courtesy

Yesterday was a hectic day. School gets out at 3:05; Senior Tea started at 4:00. That gave us just under an hour to get ready or whatever. This works better in theory than practice.

My Mom and grandmas arrived just in time to harass me -- "we need to leave now or we'll be late!". We got there on time and jumped in line for refreshments. I noticed that the other girls were dressed up; I wasn't. I didn't think it was that big of a deal until one of the teachers cornered me as I left. "So nice to see you all dressed up," she glared as her fingers dug into my shoulder. I wasn't sure how to react; I am the oldest in my family and therefore unaware of the etiquette of these sort of things. Yes, the name "Senior Tea" indicated a certain level of stuffiness, but when you live in my area the usual idea of "dressing up" is jeans without holes and an un-stained shirt. Thus, I felt I was suitably dressed. Also, most of the boys were wearing the same clothes they had worn to school. I didn't see what the big deal was.

I pushed the whole incident to the back of my mind, figuring that I had better things to worry about than one person's disapproval. Besides, how proper is a tea that serves Kool-Aid?! Anyways, like I said, I had other things to focus on (I had locked my keys in Dad's new -- running-- car) so I didn't think about it.

A couple of hours later I had to attend my siblings' Spring Concert. I was totally unexcited about it; I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Instead, I was stuck watching a bunch of terrified little kids try to remember the words to their songs, some of which I had to sing when I was in kindergarten! One of my good friends was sitting by me and, yes, we were chatting a bit. He just broke up with his girlfriend, so we were discussing that and how unenthusiastic my sisters looked as they sang. We weren't being disruptive or obnoxious; we didn't even talk much during the performances. Trust me, there was plenty of time for good conversation during the transitions from one group to the next.

Apparently, however, watching kids file on and off the stage is a vitally important part of the concert. One teacher in particular (not the one from Senior Tea), was irate. She rushed over to "shush" us, then returned to her conversation with another teacher. I was annoyed but again figured I'd let it go. It wasn't a big deal; no one was hurt.

I drove home and went to bed. When I woke up this morning, I was dead tired. I drug myself out of bed and threw on some clothes. My mind finally started working on the way to school. I was jamming out to a mix CD I made forever ago (one of the rare CDs I still listen to) and in a great mood. . . until I stepped inside the door. From halfway down the hall, I heard the self-appointed "concert monitor" lecturing an unseen person about how rude my friend and I were. Now, this teacher is not known for her subtlety or understanding. She recommended that any high school kids caught talking during a concert "should be kicked out". Oh no! Does that mean I can't take a day off from college to watch the concert next year?! Darn! I'm so disappointed. . . or something.

My partner in crime confessed that he had been lectured about our "misconduct" by the kids' music teacher, herself. We ruined "her" concert. Now, last I checked this was the kids' concert, not the teacher's. When we put on a play, our Theatre teacher never refers to it as "my" play; it's always "your" play. That's the way it should be. Yes, she organized everything (and, to be fair, she did a good job), but the kids were the ones who performed. Did she think our lack of attention was a personal attack? Pretty sure we would have chatted regardless of who was putting on the concert or how wonderful it was. And as for personal attacks, both of these women had better keep a distance. There is no law about verbally crushing teachers.

Besides, who is being the rude one in this case? Yes, I should have dressed up for Senior Tea and no, I should not have been talking during the concert; I know that. But aren't the "adults" in this situation being a little petty? If they have a problem, why not take it up with me? Okay, I would probably lose it now because they've already complained to everyone else. But if they had only calmly and politely taken me (and my friend) aside and kindly requested we be quiet (or dress up in the future), there wouldn't be a problem today. Instead, I am left feeling like a naughty 2-year-old who isn't even worth talking to. Where is the incentive to behave?

I have a theory that the only thing more rude than being rude is pointing out someone else's faults. If either of these ladies had behaved in a matter I felt inappropriate, I would not have made a big deal of it. What ever happened to common courtesy? Maybe I should treat them the way they treat me. Apparently, that's how they like to deal with people.

Who I Am

This is kind of my own reply to the post from last week, "Who Am I?". After a lot of thinking I finally got my paper written, and here is what I came up with:

“Who Am I?”

“Who Am I?” I have pondered this question before, usually at 2 am when I can’t sleep. I have never come to a definite conclusion; I am constantly changing. Hoping to relieve my confusion, I asked Wally Stephens if he could help me. He replied that I am a dynamic person who is always shifting.

This is true. At the moment I am Raeanna Marie Jacobi, an 18-year-old senior at HCHS. In a few days, I will be a graduate of HCHS; in August I will be a student of Jamestown College. On November 25, 2005, I will be 19 years old. In a year or two my name will be Raeanna Marie Kringstad. As you can see, my identity is not permanent.

When I asked my mom who she was, she answered, “Your mom, of course.” This is another way of identifying me. I am Randy and Darla Jacobi’s daughter; the granddaughter of Ross and Mary Jacobi and Ray and Deloris Sperle. I am the niece of my parents’ siblings and cousin of their children. But I will eventually be a daughter-in-law, a wife, and maybe even a mother. Thus, I will change yet again!

My career is another part of me that is evolving. Currently, I am a student and a part-time disc jockey. This summer I will be a nanny and I plan on becoming a college English professor. Even my jobs don’t follow a rational pattern!

Ms. Harty [my English teacher] said I am my personality. While I personally disagree with this statement, I will attempt to describe myself. I appear outgoing but really am quite introverted. I like to think about theoretical and spiritual questions, the type that cannot be answered. I enjoy being the center of attention and tend to be a “drama queen”. I am an incredibly affectionate person who enjoys hugs and kisses and saying “I love you” to my friends and family. I love children, especially babies, but do not want any of my own.

I am a loyal friend and the type of person you don’t want for an enemy. When I care about something, I am passionate and tend to block out everything else. I am focused and determined. I know how people work and use that to my advantage. I am a good listener who takes everyone’s problems upon me.

I can be moody and depressed; I have often been suicidal. I am confident, yet desire affirmation. I don’t care what others think about me but prefer them to agree with me. I live by Johnny Carson’s line, “Hate me or love me. Just don’t bug me.” I am a nonconformist who will bend the rules in every way possible, just for spite. I don’t like being told what to do but will do it if I have to. I can adapt my actions and words to the situation; in a lot of ways I am a reverse chameleon: I have the ability to manipulate myself so I stand out.

In short, I am a paradox, a mass of contradictions. Maybe someday I will figure myself out, maybe not. In any case, I am me. And that is all I will ever be.

Accidentally In Love

I was working on a Psychology survey when a song came on: Counting Crows "Accidentally in Love". I sang along under my breath (I love the song!) and it hit me. Okay, so they're 'accidentally' in love -- accidentally, as opposed to what? 'Purposely' in love? How many people just wake up one morning and say, I'm going to fall in love today, whether I like it or not?

The way I see it, love is not something that just happens. You can't control it, you can't force it, you can't help it. It's not rational; it makes no sense. I don't believe in love at first sight. We've all experienced attraction; the compulsion to look twice is part of human nature. Infatuation -- the whole "can't breathe, can't think, can't speak" feeling -- is common, as well. But love? Love takes time.

You have to know a person before you can love him or her. People don't love total strangers. When you say you "love" Brad Pitt, you are not saying you feel a deep emotional attachment to him; you just mean that you find him attractive and enjoy his movies. Loving someone is much more serious than simply wanting to see them. Love means sacrifice, being there when he or she needs you and geniunely wanting what is best for that person. No one can have these feelings for someone they don't know; if you do, I'm scared!

I know what you are thinking: what does an 18-year-old know about love?! I don't claim to be an authority on the subject. Lots of people probably will disagree with me. That's fine; that's their perogative. I only know what I have learned from experience -- both mine and those of my friends. I wish I had all of the answers. If you know anything I don't, let me know!