Tell Me What I Want!

I am so confused/exhausted/frustrated that I'm amazed I can function. Is this due to classes? Parents? Maybe a fight with a friend? I wish it was that simple. No, I am endeavoring to figure out God's most complicated creatures: men.

Here's what I've got so far:

Rule 1: If you are interested in him, he couldn't care less about you.

Rule 2: If you aren't interested in him, he almost certainly wants you.

Rule 3: If you are in a relationship or don't want one, he wants you.

Rule 4: If you are looking for a relationship, he doesn't want you.

Rule 5: If, by some odd chance, you both happen to be attracted to each other, he will screw it up.

Rule 6: And even if things do seem to work out between you the minute you think you know what is going on . . . he'll change his mind and do or say something to totally confuse you.

In case you can't tell, I'm a little fed up. I went to a dance the other night only to be violated by a creepy junior and hit on by an undercover security guard. I haven't see the freaky guy since; the security guy tried to ask me out but I managed to avoid it. One of my friend's girlfriend hates me because she thinks I want to steal him from her. The guy I want asked me to party with him this weekend. When I told him my parents were here, he told me to sneak out. I told him to call me and he said he would; he didn't. My ex-boyfriend keeps calling and text-messaging me. I miss him a lot but would be so mad at myself if I got back together with him again. I want to call the guy I like and find out what's going on but don't have the nerve and don't want to look desperate. Basically, I hate men. Except that I like them too much to.

Decisions

Last night I made the worst phone call I have ever made. I called my boyfriend of four years and temporarily broke up with him. This wasn't exactly an impulsive decision; I had been considering it for quite a while. Finally I called a couple of my best guy friends for their input. They told me I needed to stop worrying about everyone else's feelings and think about mine. I was ordered to stop hurting myself emotionally in order to make others happy. They said I shouldn't feel bad for flirting with other guys; that's just part of my personality and I should never change that. One said I could do better; the other told me I could "have a new guy in a day". I don't want a new guy right now, although things are looking promising with the gorgeous guy who complicated things in my last blog. It's still nice to know that I could do it, though.

My (ex?) boyfriend is as okay as he can be with the whole thing. He says he still loves me and always will. When I told him he could see other people he replied that he doesn't want to. "You can view it as having your freedom, but I'll still be devoted to you. If you want to see other people, I guess I'll have to live with it but I love only you." He's pretty much an angel; he has entirely too much patience with me!

One of my friends told me that maybe I'll find someone else who will break my heart. Then it would be even easier to go back to my now-ex. To be honest, that would be easy even now. But I know I need the space. At least until I get myself figured out.

Poor, Poor Pitiful Me

It's like Murphy's Law: as soon as a girl becomes involved in a relationship, guys who would have never noticed her are suddenly attracted to her. It never fails. And it royally sucks. I have been with my boyfriend for four years now and we are engaged; sounds like a fairytale, right? Wrong!

See, things have suddenly gotten complicated. I'm not sure at all what I want anymore. Do I want to get married within the next year or two? Or should I wait? It's my first year of college; freedom kind of sounds like a nice option. . . but on the other hand, I really do love my fiance. To complicate matters further, the one guy on campus who I find attractive decided I seem like an interesting person!

Don't get me wrong; I love my boyfriend a lot. And I really can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. It's just that, well, I'm eighteen and female. I was raised to not need a man to make my life complete. And now I'm trying to make decisions based on what a man thinks would be good for us?! I'm so confused.

And what am I going to do about the "other guy"?! He has my number and I'm not doing anything until he calls me; that's just the way I work. For the record, I have been studiously trying to not let him know that I'm interested--he was supposed to be my "unattainable crush". Now he's accessible and I don't know what to do! If, however, I was in a relationship, I am willing to bet that he never would have noticed me.

Do relationships reverse the magnetic field surrounding a person? Because that's about the only explanation I can give for this bizarre phenomenon. My roommate looked at me as I explained my dilemma. She had only one question: "How come you get two guys and I can't even get one?"

My feelings on the situation? To quote Linda Ronstadt: "All these boys won't let me be / Poor, poor pitiful me."

Confused

As my friends all know, I am easily confused. And while I am normally a reasonably intelligent person, some days it's all I can handle just to find a clean pair of jeans! Mornings are, of course, the worst. I have a sneaking suspicion this may be due to my habit of not sleeping at night. Regardless, today has gotten off to a great start. . .

My alarm rang at 9:15, prepared for the usual morning routine: my awakening every 10 minutes and hitting snooze until 9:45, when I stumble out of bed to find some random clothes (usually sweatpants and a sweatshirt) so I can leave for class at 9:50 to make it by 10:00. (Needless to say, I would not be in the running for "best dressed".) This morning, however, as soon as my alarm rang I began to calculate. So it's 9:15 and if I have to be to class by 9:30 I need to be awake by 9:20. . . five more minutes. . . At 9:20 I fell out of bed--fortunately, not literally, as I have a loft bed--and began to scavenge for clothes. By the time I found everything, I was seriously debating whether or not to even bother; I was going to be late and my professor hates that. I grabbed a coat and ran out of my dorm, into the rain and frigid wind. . . only to be greeted by an RA.

"Where are you off to at 9:30 on a Wednesday?" he bantered.

"Wait. . . I don't have class until ten!" Ignoring his puzzled look, I ran back into the warmth of my dorm. Might as well get ready for the day.

At 9:50 I went to Psychology, where I'm surprised anyone recognized me with my face and hair done. The professor actually had to stop her lecture to inform me that the guy next to me was passing my a sign-up sheet (I know, my powers of observation are astounding!). The day was not looking great--even if I did have a new shade of lipgloss on. . .

Upon arriving back at my dorm, I checked my e-mail. One of my friends had e-mailed me to say he's sorry about "Juan" and hopes things straighten out (see last blog). I was so lost; I kept thinking, I don't know a Juan and even if I did, I haven't talked to you in a long time; how would you know? Finally I realized he'd been reading my blog. As I tried to explain this to my roommate I hit my shin against the computer desk--hard! Aaaaah! So now I'm off to work/study at the bookstore. . . Wish me luck!