Closure

Well, it might finally be over for good. No calls, no text messages, no angry voicemails: nothing from my ex. As terrible as it sounds, I'm relieved. I mean, I still care for him as a friend but this last week has been hell.

I was up until 1 Thursday morning talking him out of suicide. I had to be up for work by 5, then spend the day with family. Friday was spent Christmas shopping (on my birthday; talk about unfair) so I didn't get his calls since my cell was on silent mode. So I had tons of voicemails and texts that went something like this: "Fine then, ignore me. I'll just leave you alone forever", "Or just don't talk to me", or (my personal favorite) "Maybe I'll be alive to talk to you later." Right. . .

But tonight pretty much fixed it. Out of nowhere I got a text message reading "F*** you". The next was going on about me talking behind his back -- weird, because I don't even know his friends! I tried to call him but he just texted me to not bother calling because he didn't want to talk or something like that so I left a message asking why I should answer every time he calls but he could ignore me. That got a response. We talked -- yelled-- for quite a while. I'm still not sure what I said or to whom. I do, however, know the following:

1. I have officially proved everyone right. Apparently it's a universal rule that the second a girl enters college, her high school boyfriend is history because she wants to make out with the entire campus. (Ignore the fact that I have made out with a grand total of 2 guys; I must be restraining myself well. . .)

2. I am a coldhearted bitch who uses guys and dumps them when I'm done. (Never mind that I was with one guy for 4 years and engaged. . .)

3. I only care about myself. (How does keeping him from killing himself figure into that?)

4. I am worse than a slut. (That one has me completely confused.)

5. I want a guy who treats me like crap. (Because I didn't appreciate it when I was respected.)

All in all, this has been a very informative night. So informative, in fact, that I think I'll just go ahead and let myself go. The mens' basketball team is around here somewhere. . . think I could get some action?

It's Raining Men--and I wish they'd all drown

I guess you could say I've become a bit frustrated . . . cynical . . . disillusioned with the male population in general. Friday night I managed to have 4 different guys all upset with me -- and all because I was trying to do the "right" thing!

'B' told me not to speak to him again; I'm not entirely sure what his problem is. If it's just me dumping him, I guess that's his issue, not mine. My ex-fiancee was suicidal and angry because he called while I was hanging out with another guy. The guy I was with at the time got annoyed when I said we were 'just friends'. Then another guy wanted to hang out later; when he found out I wasn't going to have sex with him, he told me to leave. So pretty much, my record is not looking good!

Luckily, the guy I was with first (the nice one) got over the whole 'friends' thing so we're good now. My ex and I got into a major fight Sunday night and now he's not speaking to me, which is exactly what I needed in the first place. As for 'B' and the loser who just wanted to get some . . . good riddance to bad rubbish!

To top it all off, I was working in the bookstore yesterday when a guy came in, struck up a conversation, began hitting on me and culminated everything by asking for my number so we can "hang out" sometime. When I began asking my friends about him, I found out he's a drug dealer. Great! Apparently I know how to attract exactly the type of guys to bring home to Mom!

So now I'm seriously considering lesbianism. The only problem with that is kind of big: I'm not attracted to women at all. I couldn't become a nun; that would just be weird. Maybe I'll just be an old spinster who sits around, hating men, like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations (crappy book, but cool character). All I know is that I'm beginning to think men aren't worth the trouble they cause. I mean, really, I could have taken a shower and went to bed early. Instead, I had to deal with four bruised male egos -- the equivalent of about 20 female ones . . . next time, I think I'll just stay in my dorm.

Scratch that last post. . .

So last time I blogged, I thought everything was figured out. I was completely wrong. I broke up with my fiance last night. It's not that I didn't (don't) care for him; I guess I care too much to let him be in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat him as well as he deserves. I am entirely too independent to be in a serious relationship; I was not handling things well. One of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to handle life on my own. The thought of needing someone else to help me scared me to death, so marriage is probably not a good idea at this point. Because of this I am becoming a bit of a commitment-phobe. The fastest way for any guy to get rid of me would be for him to say "the evil 'L' word" to me. Or mention marriage. Or children. Or forever. Basically, I just want someone who I can hang out without the pressures of building a future. I'm eighteen years old; I want to live!

Princes and Frogs

Well, I got it all figured out -- or my love life, at least. I got back together with my no-longer-ex-fiancee and broke up with 'B'. As I said last time, I was really considering going back to my ex. B just pushed me over the edge.

For one, I couldn't stand to touch him. I literally said the Lord's Prayer every time he kissed me. The only way he could have physical contact with me was to rub my shoulders (there is no way I can ever turn that down!). Of course, that just made him want to touch me even more, so it was a vicious cycle.

Also, he always wanted to be with me. When I came back from English class at 2:30, he was in the room across the hall from me, talking with my friend. She told me he'd been there since 1:40, when she'd seen him knocking on my door and said I was in class. He came to see me while I was working in the bookstore. He seemed to think we needed to be joined at the hip. Since the whole reason I broke up with the first guy was that I wanted freedom, this was definitely not working.

By Tuesday night, it had all become too much. When I yelled at him that night, he immediately began to apologize for everything. I hate pushovers. I didn't know how to nicely explain to B that we weren't going out and that I like him only as a friend. Plus, kissing him made me miss my ex's kisses and how he held me so close. When he (my ex) texted me that night, I called him back. He was tentative, as usual (my calls have not meant good news for him lately) but quickly changed to ecstatic when I told him I wanted to get back together. When I said I loved him, he told me that "just for saying that, I'd get you anything you asked for". I fell asleep happy but confused.

Wednesday was D-Day. I knew I had to break the news to B but wasn't sure how. I couldn't do it when he came to see me in the bookstore; there were people around. As soon as he came to my room later that night, I started thinking of ways to tell him. At one point, he made a smart comment and I told him he hated me. He protested that he never could. All I could think was, trust me; you will in a few minutes. Finally, the time came. I'll present it in the form of a dialogue:

B: I found out today that my roommate has a big mouth.

Me: Oh really? How?

B: I just told him last night that I was hanging out with you again and when I went to lunch today, all the football players were like, 'who's your new girlfriend?'.

M: Yeah, Steph was just asking me what was going on with us. (Smacking myself in the forehead) Stupid!

B: (Worried look) Is that a bad thing?

M: That people are talking about me? Yeah! Don't they have anything better to do?

B: No, I mean about you and me.

M: This is the part where you're going to hate me.

B: Why?

M: I just got back together with -------------.

B: What?!

M: I just got back together with -------------.

B: Damn!

We discussed it a little more. He wanted to know if it was anything he did; I assured him it wasn't. I told him I'd been missing my ex a lot lately and it just seemed like the right time to get back together. I said I still wanted to be friends but understood completely if he wanted to leave and never speak to me again, or yell at me, or anything else. He was really nice about it and stayed to talk a little while longer. When he left, I gave him a hug.

So now life is back to normal -- or as normal as my life can get. I'm back to the guy I started with, and perfectly content with him. I know what it's like to be single now, and I can't say I'm jealous of those who are: it's unbelievably stressful!

One Crazy Night

Wow! Tonight -- yesterday night, I guess -- was crazy. I mean, insane-crazy. Like I have a new boyfriend crazy. And it's none of the guys I've been worrying about! Hey, I said it was weird. . .

The day began relatively normally. I skipped General Psych and went to work-study at the bookstore. The security guard guy came in and talked with me (twice!), my friends stopped in to say 'hi', I went back to my dorm. Some of us went to Wal-Mart, we came back, went to dinner, I wrote a Theatre paper. Then things just went wild.

Some friends went ice skating; I decided to watch but ended up joining in for a while. When I came back, the security guard decided he needed to talk with me (he didn't say anything dumb so he's okay for now. . .). Then friends started dropping by to see if I wanted to (quoting R. Kelly) "sip on coke and rum". I donned a toga in order to look like the goddess Athena, became sufficiently "happy" and took a huge group of people to Applebee's. When we got back, I was in "talk about my relationships" mode.

I had come thisclose to getting back together with my ex-fiancee the night before, so I was confused about that. The security guard kept popping up wherever I was. The guy I want had talked to me a couple of times, not to mention the texting we had been doing the night before that. So I was 100% baffled as to how the male mind works. I asked two of my trusted friends (because when it's 1 a.m. and you've been drinking whiskey and vodka, everyone's a trusted friend) to explain men to me -- after all, they are males.

We were in the process of figuring out whether my crush was a player or not when one of his fellow teammates entered. I asked him to tell me which guys on the football team were "players," hoping my question would be answered. He asked my for a specific name, then took forever to tell me that yes, he was a player and no, I should not go out with him. By this time everyone else had left, so this new guy (I'll call him 'B') and I were alone. I explained my current (confusing) romantic situation to him. By the time I was done, he could have written a book called "What Raeanna Wants in a Man, Based on What Guys Don't Have". Finally, I asked about his love life. He said he was "working on" a relationship.

I offered to help hook him up if I could but he wouldn't tell me who he wanted. His hints were ridiculously broad: "She has brown hair." "She lives in our dorm." "Her name doesn't start with 'k' but it's in the last half of the alphabet." The list whittled down the candidates quickly. Pretty soon, I was the only one left. This was what I had been afraid of. I told him I needed another hint so he put his arm around me, pulled me close and kissed me! I didn't know what to do so I kissed him back. He pulled away and asked me if that was a good enough hint.

It turns out that he'd liked me for quite a while but had decided to leave me alone when he heard I was engaged. Now that he had a chance, he wasn't going to give it up. After about five seconds of careful thought (by now the alcohol had worn off), I decided to go for it. We talked until 4:30 a.m., when he walked me to my room and gave me a good-night kiss. He also promised to visit me when I fill in at the bookstore tomorrow.

I really hope I can handle this without hurting anyone. Right now, though, I can barely think straight. At least I have a solution to the other guys: back off, I'm taken.